CD3

Having a good day, started reading again, and I feel so much better when I do!

Business is going good, and my marriage is a happy one that makes me grateful we found each other.

Life would be perfect right now if I could just get knocked up, but it's just not in the cards. I am ok with that I guess.

I have stopped temping, using opk's and really paying attention to fertility days, it's too stressful. I would like to continue this blog though, because maybe I will end up getting pregnant, and when I do, and I am feeling sick and cursing the heavens, I will look back and remember what it took to get there.

CD16

I ended up cutting my own bangs. Yeah, I am impatient ;)

 

Like my attempt at guarding my identity? LOL.

I have been eating like a maniac (trust that I am not trying to pin this as a symptom, more as just an annoyance) and Nutella might be my stomach's worst enemy, but it's my mouth's best friend.

About to go enjoy some recorded Jersey Shore episodes. ttyl!

CD13

Bought B complex vitamins today.

Having a good day, I am going to get bangs tomorrow (if I don't attempt to cut them myself tonight... I probably will).

I think I felt myself ovulate yesterday (I get very pronounced/clear o pains) but I am usually certain, and I am not. LOL.

That's about it.

CD10

Woah, CD 10 snuck up on me for sure. Luckily I have been preoccupied with so many other things this week. Lots of reading, lots of studying (not for school, but religious paraphernalia) lots of everything.

We have an almost 4 day weekend coming up! We got a surprise day off tomorrow - never happens - because most of our kids will be out of town, and the ones that are in town are sick. Not that sick is a good thing, but I get an extra day off! We have MLK day of too. Though we promised a long-time client of ours that we would watch their son this Saturday from 3-6:30. No big.

I am feeling good today! An almost facebook-less week, until today I hadn't logged on to BBC, and I left all of my ttc groups. It's a lot of pressure being a part of them.

That's all for now.

CD8

I have been feeling down lately. I have cut out most of my Internet social networking time, to focus more on a possible spiritual journey. I feel that reading friend and family updates on who is expecting their next "surprise" baby and who is getting what is a little too much for me these days.

Let's start from the beginning. Raised Seventh Day Adventist, also baptized, I have long drifted away from church and worship. I just don't see god the way I used to. Not to get religious here - because I am currently non-religious - but this is what I've been going through.

I've also been dealing with the high possibility that both my parent's mental illness (dad's bipolar disorder, mom's bipolar disorder/seasonal depression, and once labeled schizophrenia (they have since gone back to bipolar disorder)) have been passed onto me. Lately I have been paying very close attention to my mood swings and really starting to keep an internal journal of what makes me feel the way I do. That's what got me started on the exercising and eating better lifestyle change.

I'm starting to think that my infertility may have been a blessing in disguise, I think I need to come to terms with what I may have (i have yet to be officially diagnosed with anything other than high anxiety and borderline ADD, but I see a lot of my mother's tendencies in me, and not just because she raised me and I've copied her ways, but just naturally so) and what I may one day pass on to my own children. Do I wantto knowingly bring a child into this world who will automatically be different and have a harder life?

I'm still TTC but I'm doing it with eyes wide open, and keeping an eye on myself and the way I treat those around me.

Back to the religious journey, well I've picked up some books on meditation, Buddhism, yoga, and Kabbalah. Though from what I'm reading, I don't think Kabbalah is for me.

Wish me luck :)

For now

-A

CD5

Watching the biggest loser season 10, week 10. I really dislike Elizabeth, I think she should have been sent home LOONG ago.

Had Indian food for lunch like we always do on the weekends, it was amazing!

I have a bunch of books on order for the book review website I review for, I can't wait until next week.

We bought Turbo Tax for home and business and H has been working on that all morning.

I have been feeling really really grateful for what I do have today.

I have also been seriously considering adoption if we haven't had our own child by the time I turn 25, 2 years away.

What else... Oh! I lost 5 pounds in a week. SWEET. If I haven't gotten pregnant by the summer, I will at least have pretty hair and a smokin' bod ;)

CD3

Having a bleh day. CD3 is part of the snooze zone I mentioned yesterday...

I WILL use my wii fit today, I will I will I will I will...

Had eggs and bacon for breakfast today, just like I have had for the past 2 weeks, H makes THE BEST sunny-side up eggs, and we got some AWESOME bacon from Costco.

Currently it is nap time in the daycare, it was a WILD day today. Thinking about those eggs has me salivating. I am watching yesterday's modern family on Hulu+. Lily is so darn cute!

I don't have any deep thoughts to share today, but I am excited that my January review list has been put in for the book website I review for. Woo! Here's to new books.

CD2

Not too much to write on the fertility front, CD2 is pretty boring. Actually going through CD1-CD7 is like watching paint dry.

Day hasn't been too interesting, projectile vomit here, horrible red diaper rash there, you know, normal 'I run a daycare' stuff.

H is making me Chicken Tortilla Soup,

I made the tortilla strips ;)

*Update, 2 of our kids are on a Dr recommended home watch for whooping cough.

CD1

AF is here. Happy I can move on, pissed I'm not pg. Continuing my other blog, reading/reviewing books for another website, and working out.

I had a sick infant in daycare today, like really sick, didn't sleep, had a hard time eating, pretty much screamed in my ear ALL DAY. Sure I was and am super exhausted and a little burnt out, but for the first time I felt worse for this baby than I did for me having to endure her wrath.

I am usually a super.... selfish person. It was weird and nice and a little refreshing to care about someone more than myself.


Don't get me wrong, when her mom picked her up I was happy and singing her praises, also wishing her luck. Not that I would mind staying up with my own child sick at night, or enduring her screams all day - well - not as much.

CD30

3 days late. Today I am 3 days late.

Started liiight brown spotting on Sunday (just when I wipe) and here we are on Tuesday and no AF and 3 negative HPT's. I am....well I'm pissed.

Just got news of another friend who is pregnant, wasn't trying, not even in a relationship. I know I'm a bitch for pointing that out but I just don't see how it's fair. She deserves her baby, she deserves all the happiness that her baby will bring, her baby has a purpose and that makes me so happy for her and the new life she created.

But it makes me furious for me. Absolutely angry. It has been 6 months (going on 7) since my miscarriage. I have yet to see a second pink line. Sometimes I feel hopeful, like maybe there was a purpose to the miscarriage and maybe 'our baby' isn't ready to meet us yet, or can't fulfill it's purpose yet.

Some days - like today - I want to meet god, and smack him for putting me through this pain.

My due date with little Blue was January 25th. I feel that this month will be hell. I wish AF would get her shit together and just show already so that I can get on to a new cycle with new hope, instead of being stuck in this waste of a cycle waiting game.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

CD27

13 DPO I think. My OPK had O on Saturday Dec 18th, I didn't get O pains or crazy CM until Dec 19th and I had O pains at 6pm.

Doubt that I am pg, took a HPT (dollar store) yesterday before I went to my NYE party, more like a "to drink or not to drink" test (from now on will be called TDONTD test), any-who, in the morning that puppy was negativo.

I haven't retested today because, well, I am hungover from said NYE party, and I don't want to ruin the first day of 2011 with tears or frustration.

Of course I have gotten 3 stories from 3 different friends who took their own TDONTD test and all were negatives, they went and partied hard and of course 3 days later got their positive test. Blah blah blah.

We went to SoCal on Friday and picked up some wholesale phone cases, luckily I have been keeping myself occupied listing them on eBay and stalking that website, instead of babycenter.

 One of my favorite of the cases we bought.

I do not know when I will test again, it won't be today. We are off until Jan 4th, I am sure pure boredom will have me testing either Sunday or Monday.