CD8

I have been feeling down lately. I have cut out most of my Internet social networking time, to focus more on a possible spiritual journey. I feel that reading friend and family updates on who is expecting their next "surprise" baby and who is getting what is a little too much for me these days.

Let's start from the beginning. Raised Seventh Day Adventist, also baptized, I have long drifted away from church and worship. I just don't see god the way I used to. Not to get religious here - because I am currently non-religious - but this is what I've been going through.

I've also been dealing with the high possibility that both my parent's mental illness (dad's bipolar disorder, mom's bipolar disorder/seasonal depression, and once labeled schizophrenia (they have since gone back to bipolar disorder)) have been passed onto me. Lately I have been paying very close attention to my mood swings and really starting to keep an internal journal of what makes me feel the way I do. That's what got me started on the exercising and eating better lifestyle change.

I'm starting to think that my infertility may have been a blessing in disguise, I think I need to come to terms with what I may have (i have yet to be officially diagnosed with anything other than high anxiety and borderline ADD, but I see a lot of my mother's tendencies in me, and not just because she raised me and I've copied her ways, but just naturally so) and what I may one day pass on to my own children. Do I wantto knowingly bring a child into this world who will automatically be different and have a harder life?

I'm still TTC but I'm doing it with eyes wide open, and keeping an eye on myself and the way I treat those around me.

Back to the religious journey, well I've picked up some books on meditation, Buddhism, yoga, and Kabbalah. Though from what I'm reading, I don't think Kabbalah is for me.

Wish me luck :)

For now

-A